Halloween is my favorite day of the year. I basically start my
Halloween come October 1st…. but it hasn’t always been this way.
The very concept of Halloween used to make me very uneasy.
When you have trichotillomania, holidays like Halloween can be very upsetting.
It’s a day where everyone maximizes focus on the aesthetic, whether ghoulish or not,
emphasis is placed on the ability to accentuate facial features in one way shape or form.
Let me illustrate with a story.
This is a memory of having trichotillomania that was especially bad one particular Halloween.
I was a Junior in College. I lived with 4 girls in an apartment.
I, of course, represented that 1 out of 4 with trichotilomania in this case, literally.
And at this point in my life, I was no where near as confident and carefree
with my trichotillomania as I am now.
Furthermore, I wasn’t a fake eyelash aficionado then.
I was more or less, lashless, trying my best to hide the loss.
And our apartment went BIG for Halloween.
There was usually a University wide event held on campus,
and all the ladies on campus would get decked out.
My roommates and I literally started planning out our
costumes a few months before hand, all a common theme.
And it would always, every time, make me very irritable.
It took me years to realize why I would get so irrationally irritable when this topic came up.
So think about it,
we all had costumes within the similar genre or theme,
we all were to get ready together.
Everyone wanted to maximize their makeup and look
especially done up to the max because heck, it’s Halloween. you can!
But I was the one that was lacking a major part of my face.
I would start pulling more frequently which made my anxiety
worse and worse the closer we got to Halloween festivities.
I DREADED getting ready.
When everyone bought super dramatic mascara
or colored mascara and colored contact lenses, a lump formed in my stomach.
I had very few lashes at this point.
I bought false eyelashes and some lash glue at the drug store,
hoping to make for a better and less demoralizing experience.
I just wanted to look and feel pretty.
It’s Halloween, you can do anything, you can be so glammed up and it’s okay.
You can go over the top.
All I wanted to do was feel pretty. But I felt naked, bald, vulnerable.
I will never forget this image, ever.
Sitting at my desk, I was in a SERIOUS rush, clumsily trying to adhere
these fake lashes to my eyes like they were a foreign object.
Glue in my eye,
makeup streaming down my face
in a black and gold and sticky mess.
I had to start over.
I felt so frustrated, so helpless, so inferior.
At that moment, when I could finally see again,
I caught a glimpse in my mirror of my BEAUTIFUL roomate,
coating her already beautifully blackened and most enviable
lashes with a fresh tube of mascara,
and I felt defeated.
In retrospect, I was probably intolerable most of this night to my roommates.
I was probably snappy and irritable and moody.
And I wish I knew then, what I know now,
so I could have actually ENJOYED that time together,
making memories that are worth keeping, instead of this one that I will never forget.
Because, trichotillomania sucks but it’s more fixable than mending relationships or making memories.
Halloween was a night that I felt deepened the bareness
of my soul via my lashes, deepened an isolation between me and my closest friends.
SO! What should I have done? You ask?
Well for eff’s sakes, why did I wait until the VERY last minute
to try to apply false lashes to my face for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER???
If I was so angst driven, so long in advance, why did I let it perpetuate???
I could EASILY have acknowledged that, in order to alleviate the defeated inferior feeling,
I could have purchased some trial and error lashes and lash glue,
so I could feel confident and make REAL memories with my closest college friends.
Part of me thinks I perpetuated my angst to punish myself.
But, my loves, please do not make the same mistake.
So what, trichotillomania is a thing, I don’t have lashes.
So I get fake ones.
I don’t have eyebrows but I got REALLY good at creating them.
If you’re like me, and events like this bring you these feelings of angst, inferior, nakedness,
then do yourself the biggest favor ever and just practice putting on those lashes and brows,
so that way, it will be business as usual!!! Make REAL memories, not devastating ones.
Do you trichy baby dolls have memories like this? OR are you uneasy over Halloween? Or other celebratory festivities?